The general topic of high sensivity (or SPS - sensory processing sensitivity, or high sensory intelligence, or neurosensitivity) is discussed elsewhere on this website. This article covers the specifics of high sensitivity in boys and men (although there are also many women and people without high sensitivity coming into my practice for coaching sessions). The specific topic of highly sensitive boys and men is still scarcely covered by literature (Tracy Cooper: “Empowering the Sensitive Male Soul”, Tom Falkenstein: “The Highly Sensitive Man”, and a few others that are personal testimonies, like William Allen’s “Confessions of a Sensitive Man”). Neither is the male-specific offer in seminars and counselling abundant. In media coverage, high sensitivity is still very much associated with women. Female high sensitivity has always found much more social acceptance than the male counterpart. (Consider the old movies and who does all the embodiment of emotional expression and who remains stern and “does what needs to be done”.) That does not mean that highly sensitive women are not having a hard time with their temperament. Obviously, the implicit rewarding systems of our societies make life hard on both highly sensitive women and men instead of valuing them (except perhaps in the arts). Highly sensitive men still experience lots of disparagement from other men and women, with terms like “wimp”, “softy” or worse. And probably you will hardly ever have heard somebody tell a woman: “Come on, be a woman!” Whereas “be a man!” remains a popular attempt to press male behaviour into narrow behavioural guardrails. That demand still does work out efficiently, because it contains an implicit shaming threat (“you are not a man!”). What makes things more difficult is that highly sensitive people often lack self- confidence. Finding one’s place in such a noisy society is quite an ordeal when so many people compete for attention at almost any cost. Highly sensitive men can feel unseen or even dispensable, which can then lead them into a deleterious circle towards loneliness. Not to mention that suicide rates are much higher among men than women. (However, still no data seem to be available about a possible over-representation of highly sensitive people in suicide rates, although it could well be the case.) That makes it all the more important to make contact with inner resources and stay in close touch with oneself, in order to be well centred and less vulnerable to harm and denigration. That is something that can be trained. One part of that is healing old wounds, because one can best be hurt where already hurt earlier. In her book on highly sensitive people in psychotherapy, Dr. Elaine Aron writes that there may be four rather than two sexes - women, men, highly sensitive women, highly sensitive men - and that cultural acceptance is worst for highly sensitive men. Few women know about their experience and the resemblance with things women experience, and how much it can hurt a highly sensitive when some women denigrate all men as being this or that, in one wholesale judgement. One obstacle comes from culture labelling sensitivity and related characteristics as "feminine", as if a man exploring his sensitivity simultaneously abandoned or even betrayed his own masculinity and sailed off to foreign shores. That may derive from most classical role models (and clichés) appearing emotionally numbed. The access to his inner life being shut away, the Hero can fully focus on the outside tasks and threats requiring action, without emotional distractions. This may even have been essential for the survival of the species for a very long time. Otherwise, our cultures would not have so systematically upheld these models and denigrated boys and men departing from them. Men were bred over millennia to remain in a dissociative state, so that they could focus on building and defending the city without emotional distraction. But today, equating sensitivity to feminity is a mental programming we have to overcome. It may also add in difficulty that the discourse about high sensitivity is still dominated by women. Much of the Internet content on HSP is written by women who work mostly with women. For a highly sensitive man, trying to live his trait in the way women describe their experience may be a blind alley. Because that would mean another way to live somebody else’s life and not be himself, which could cause more problems than it solves. Men still have to invent their own way of expressing their sensitivity. There is much uncharted territory to explore. Boys and men are entitled as much as girls and women to a rich emotional inner world. Any emotion becomes legitimate just by coming up and does not need further justification. It is a message some deeper level of the being sends to the consciousness. And the message needs to be heard, or rather felt, instead of repressed. Otherwise it will keep coming up, perhaps with some shape- changing over time, for instance turning into physical symptoms. On the journey of reconciling the masculine and the feminine, or perhaps even reconciling the sacred masculine with the sacred feminine, highly sensitive men may hold a pioneering role and not know it. Highly sensitive men might also be the ones who bring forth the best in women and help them blossom. And men are unlikely to ever feel a completeness as long as they shut down this part of themselves. Famous couples’ therapist Esther Perel once shared what she sees in many of her more sensitive male clients: If at a young age they have witnessed violence between their parents or been a victime of it themselves, they often end up cutting off their masculine energy. They have experienced the destructive, dark side of aggression (i.e., violence) and felt the pain themselves or somebody else’s pain through empathy. Later on, they do not want to be part of that and “do the right thing” instead. But then they throw out the child with the bath water and cut themselves off all the good side of the aggression side of masculine energy: drive, energy, getting things done, resolve, direction, perseverance, seeing things through over long stretches despite all difficulties. In the worst case, they can end up with no drive of their own, depending entirely on other people’s influence, and on their judgement as the sole source of their own self-esteem. They may end up resigned in an unhealthy partnership where they do not really have a say, and be the “nice guy” with a controlling, irascible or narcissistic partner (as it also often happens the other way round). Or their partner will someday tire of being the only person in the relationship taking initiatives. Or they have no partner at all, increasingly withdraw from reality and drown in video games, other digital entertainments, or substances of various kinds. This requires working on their Shadow, i.e., looking into those parts they have repressed out of their consciousness. Because the source of their energy and drive may well be buried in the “Shadow”, the very part from which they cut themselves off, closing the access to elementary emotions and joy of life in the process. Of all inner parts, it is the most feared ones that need to be fully owned again to come back into one’s energy. It is easier to learn how to access your emotions in a safe space, i.e. with people with whom you feel safe and do not have to fear being judged or shamed. Your romantic relationship might not be the best place to start, because there are too many levels and stakes involved and you may have quite a history there already. Better to start with male friends or in a men’s group, before you later transfer your new experiences into your current love partnership, or the next. You may want to ask yourself: “Would I feel safe to tell these people more or less everything and to show them my vulnerabilities and darker sides without having to fear feeling shamed or ashamed?” If you can answer that with “yes”, why not propose them a deal, a group experiment, and agree that from now on, you will all deliberately open up and be both honest and non-judgmental with each other, and learn more self-kindness? In this way, you can better notice and name feelings, sharpen your understanding of your inner life and improve the essential quality of discernment. This way, a previously vague rumble in the belly becomes a whole range of different sensations and emotions. That might be a first to some, so beginner’s mistakes are to be expected on this path of “emotional alphabetisation”. Be kind about that. Many men never learned this from their fathers, grand-fathers or other male ancestors, because nobody ever taught them. You are doing pioneering work. Perhaps your whole male lineage is watching, and proud. For highly sensitive men and boys, it is essential to find themselves a purpose in life. What is it I am here for? There may well be a diffuse sense of having a “mission”. And this “mission” often has to do with being in service of other people, or of humankind, or of other living beings. Highly sensitive men often have little interest in “official” success criteria like money, power and fame. Walking their own path is so much more fulfilling to them. Being a highly sensitive boy or man can become an ordeal with a feeling of emptiness if the meaning of his own existence still eludes him or if his life takes him too far away from his own purpose. He may then let himself go and become a plaything to his environment, because he has not enough of an inner core that stabilises him. Like a ship on the sea that never sets sail. Is there an old, dormant project inside you, a sense of having a mission, a purpose? A coach or mentor can help you name and formulate it, then take action about it. Once the highly sensitive boy or man has found his purpose and aligns his life with it, he can develop resolve, self-confidence and self- esteem, whatever the obstacles - inevitable and also known as learning experiences. That takes time. Patience is a good ally. Everything has its own natural rhythm, and going faster or slower than that rhythm may be unhelpful. And you find more allies by seeking out help. There is nothing wrong in asking for help. “I must do this on my own” is an old, unhealthy misunderstanding that has caused much pain and loneliness. And to those men and boys who have trouble getting along with their high sensitivity, I want to say: things get easier with time and age. But you will have to take action at some point instead of waiting for things to happen. If you have already reached the age of 30, you should not wait too long any more to get off any wrong tracks, find your own path and build a life. And find ways to weave your sensitivity into the very fabric of your everyday life instead of trying to hide it. Pretending to be somebody you are not is not good for physical and mental health. And if you are quite beyond 30 already, almost everything remains possible, although it might be a bit more difficult sometimes. Especially if you have a record of missed opportunities or blind alleys, you may want to make peace with that, which is a good start for training self-kindness and self-empathy. An advantage of age is that with it comes experience. That helps take the shortcuts, seeing the road better, and be more effective and less distracted on your path. Perhaps there are lots of things that you have not yet felt like sharing with somebody, because no woman and no man has given you the impression of wanting to hear them and/or being able to just accept these things. Why not share these ideas, views, insights and experiences with a man who may have made similar experiences, who therefore will not devalue yours but explore with you where to go from there? I might even go a bit into mentoring if I see that you have all you need and just need to take action. What are the many things that could then change for the better? Further readings: • Coaching for Highly Sensitive People • High Sensitivity at the workplace and in leadership • Contact & Appointments in Freiburg or online • How does your first coaching session go? • The dark side of high sensitivity • More blog articles